My first home that my husband and I purchased while I was
pregnant with our twins was a tiny two bedroom one story ranch house. Everyone
thought I was crazy when I said I was going to buy a house for under $125,000
that had a separate rental unit. I knew we could not afford the mortgage
payments, so the only way we could live was to find a place that would pay for
itself. I opened the MV Times and scanned the real estate section, there it
was, my little house with an even tinier guesthouse, it had once been a garage.
The income from the rental virtually covered the mortgage payments… believe it
can be and it can?
Within a few years I felt the walls began drawing in on me.
I would lay in the double bed next to my husband and wish that I could
physically push the bedroom wall out with my feet. With a lot of thinking and
wishing eventually I came up with a plan. I could buy land and build my dream
house. Each day at work in my little trendy boutique, when business was slow I
would draw endless floor plans. The first design was very ambitious- 6000 sq.
ft. of living space; the builder laughed his ass off when I showed him the
design and the budget. Eventually I made all of the compromises I was willing
to make and managed to design a house that fit the budget.
In the meantime I expanded my business and made some very
unwise decisions, the business went bust (a business I had been dreaming of
owning for several years). Yet still I got my dream house.
I believed that if I had the perfect home I would be happy. I
helped to shingle my house, I painted walls and doors, I spread dirt over the
scarred earth, dug up flowers from my husbands grandmothers renowned garden and
planted them in my own flowerbeds. And I rejoiced in all of what I had
achieved.
A couple of days ago I mowed my lawn. I looked around and
realized that my wish had come true, and I felt grateful. I haven't felt that way in a long time. There is a question mark hovering over
my head, it’s been there for years, perhaps all of my life. It asks what is my
purpose in life and how can I be happy? I continue to wish for things.
On Saturday night after work I sat on the couch playing a
little online poker and half watching whatever my husband had tuned into on the
TV. Rihana came on and my thoughts immediately turned to an old friend. He
liked Rihana and it had made me jealous. I liked how he shared these little
things with me, and a felt a wave of sadness wash over me. I missed getting to
know him; you know that feeling one gets when they first meet someone and
everything they say is like opening the wrapping off a beautiful gift. I wrote
a short piece in here about missing him and wishing I could experience that
again. A short while later I received an email from him, I messaged him back to
see if he was still online. We chatted for a couple of hours and it felt new and
exciting again.
So perhaps I’ll take this as an opportunity to make a couple
of wishes and also acknowledge that I am grateful for the wishes that have
already been granted to me.
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