Acceptance

Since the storm had passed, the air like Betty’s heart had turned colder. The season was changing and her days kayaking on the pond would soon be over, Betty thanked the sun for distracting her mind from the sadness in her heart. She paddled a little faster and harder than usual to warm her body,  and was soon cruising under the bridge and into the little harbor. Her favorite boat, ‘The Idiot’, was gone, and she wondered if it was stored away in a boat yard under a cover or if, it like the ospreys, was planning on spending the winter in southern waters. 

Regardless, it was gone from her life, as was Yatish, and she had finally accepted it. Finally, she could celebrate their love affair, finally she could imagine herself in the arms of another man, and finally she could cry and know that she was not crying for Yatish, but for all of the reasons she had needed him and those reasons, her longing, still existed and would continue to until she could find a solution; and she was determined not to give up searching. There was no quick fix, if there was one thing Betty had learned over the past four months of grieving the loss of her beautiful, Indian man, it was that only time could heal and it took as long as it took. 

If she saw him on her game or he commented on a friends wall in Facebook, her heart would still skip a beat, and if he stayed a while, her heart would race as fast as the day they fell in love. If she read an old letter, the sinking feeling would return, so she didn’t read his letters, she asked their mutual friends not to mention him and while she didn’t wish him any harm, she wasn’t wishing him the love of another woman in his life, either. 

  

Together, Yatish and Betty had bent space and time to be together, and while their love making only existed in their minds, their love for each other existed in their hearts. Giving up Yatish was the hardest thing Betty had had to come to terms with since becoming a wife and mother. She thought about Yatish’s declaration of love and his willingness to wait for her until her responsibilities as a mother freed her to be with him. She knew this was unrealistic, that when such a time would come to pass, he would be holding a child of his own in his arms. She remembered the loving words of her old sweetheart she had reached out to while she was wallowing in the depths of despair: “The belief there is one person for us is an illusion brought about by love”. Yatish’s love for Betty was warm and gentle, yet she had toughened her heart from the grief of losing him. Betty had asked him once if he would be gentle with her, he replied, “Gentle is monotonous, gentle, harsh, caring, uncaring, cold, warm, you will feel every emotion from me, good or bad”. Betty gasped, her heart was racing. “It sounds like a roller coaster ride, you must think I’m a thrill seeker Yatish,” she replied playfully. “That's the fun of it all, Betty...and no, I don’t think you are a thrill seeker but the thrill will seek you, and you wont be able to withstand it.” No truer words were ever spoken. In the days and weeks that followed, Betty could not stand it, Yatish lived up to his word, her love for him was too intense, her jealousy too vile, her insecurity too gut wrenching; and the moment when she could stand it no longer she picked up the phone at 4:30 AM and uttered the words “I can’t do this anymore.”

One day Betty will be in Mumbai, she doesn’t know if she will have the strength to resist calling him or if she will instead be too nervous and shy to even consider meeting him, he became the protagonist in her story, became a memory, he is no longer her lover nor does she believe he ever will be. For now, the story of Betty and Yatish is told.   

Poem

A gentle kiss, now poisoned words

Wings that once protected

Now stretched wide, soaring above, swooping down, tormenting...

Then gone

Swimming against the tide

Mocked by his freedom

She is tired

Now another, once cruel

Turns spite to lust

Toying with her vulnerability

Her weakness exposed

Her desire so far denied

Listless, lifeless body and mind

What poor sport she is

Aroused by her languished state

He tempts her with a seductive kiss 

The Idiot

Three months and ten days exactly since their affair had ended, one month and one day since Betty had last contacted Yatish, in fact she thought not only could she congratulate herself for not contacting him, she had succeeded in deleting him from her life, she had stored their conversations and his e-mails safely away, unfriended him from her Facebook and no longer checked daily to see if he’d played their favorite game, he hadn’t played, she knew because she had actually checked the evening before, but still she thought it must have been at least four days since she had last checked and for this she thanked him. It was always so painful to run into him, she would be left moping for hours, reliving every moment and questioning the very existence of their relationship, aside from that, she herself had been less compelled to play and instead had taken up a much healthier hobby, kayaking. 

One particular time she had called him, she nervously asked, “Was it real, Yatish, was any of it real?” Indignantly he responded, “I cannot believe you have the audacity to ask me that question, Betty.” She loved to mimic him saying it, over and over she had said it subsequently, using the deep tones in his voice and her best Indian accent. Like Betty, he too loved the dramatic. She couldn’t remember the last time anyone had used that word; it took her back to her childhood growing up in England, it sounded like something her parents or a teacher would have said to her. If he’d known Betty at least just a little bit she thought, then he’d know audacity was something she possessed by the barrel. She wondered what Americans would say in place of the word, it seemed to her that Americans had mastered the art of saying a whole lot with a very limited vocabulary. “Betty, you’ve got some balls asking me that question,” yes, that’s what he’d say, didn’t quite pack the same punch, it wasn’t worth mimicking and in no way shape or form would it turn Betty on and Betty was very turned on when Yatish spoke, even when he was reprimanding her for her flagrant boldness.

Her three month ten day anniversary of being cyber single began feeling melancholy, her real life was reaching crisis point and it was time to start thinking and planning for her future. All the possibilities playing out in her mind and each possibility having a sad  and unfortunate outcome. Feeling hopeless made her miss Yatish, despite his fewer years than Betty, twelve to be exact, Yatish held a more pragmatic disposition. She fought the urge to call him up, reminding herself of the despair she had felt following all the previous calls. 

Instead armed with her paddle, life vest and sun block she headed for the pond where her new addiction was waiting for her. The pond was almost too familiar now, the same boats were anchored in the same spots, The Idiot was her favorite boat on the pond, she had laughed the first time she saw it, one time she even asked a fisherman if he knew who had named their boat after her ex, he laughed as his eyes reached the direction Betty was looking in and yelled back does that mean you’re single? “Married” she retorted with a cheeky grin. Betty had adopted the mantra, “I can no longer think of him as not an idiot” which she said each time she passed the little Boston whaler, of course she really didn’t believe he was an idiot and she knew too soon he would be back on the pedestal she had put him on several months ago.

This particular day instead of paddling the same course over to her familiar beach she let the current take her where it wanted to, it looked like it was taking her across the pond to a cluster of small sail boats, but as she was approaching the shore she veered right and was headed for a narrow strip of beach, which seemed to belong to the pond rather than the land. There was little activity on the water, a fisherman in the distance could be just made out pulling out lobster traps and one motor boat speeding back and forth dragging thrill seeking teenagers along on a floating disc, they were too busy to pay attention to Betty, she thought and the water was much too shallow for them to get close enough to see her. She set her towel down on the sand and then decided that a wet bathing suit was just not comfortable thing to kayak in and she was bound to want to swim after laying in the sun, so she may as well remove it now and attempt to tan all over. Laying on her back she dug her heals into the soft warm sand her hand rested on her tummy, she found herself slowly stroking her bare skin, her hand making its way up to her breast, where was the idiot now she wondered? 

Her breast felt powdery from the salt residue left by the ocean spray, she remembers her water bottle next to her and first takes a gulp and before she swallows washes it around her mouth feeling the water grow warm, next she takes the bottle and slowly trickles some water onto her nipple and giggles, she can not possibly be doing this in the open air on a beach alone, she knew if she closed her eyes she would not be alone for long, Yatish would join her. 

He takes the bottle and slurps a big gulp, she shimmies her hips digging her ass deeper into the sand, wiggling away from Yatish, “Oh no you don’t m’lady” he says as he grabs her hips, pulling her pussy toward his face he reaches underneath her legs spreading her thighs apart, pushing his mouth into her slit and squirting the warm water he has been saving for her up her hole. She gasps, his whole face is mashed into her wet bush, he gently feels for her her clit and gives a little tug, tightening his lips around it and sucking, The words Oh my God are uttered as if from the air, then as nimbly as an acrobat he is above her, he rams his cock into her vagina, he never usually acts this quickly, she likes it, she senses the urgency, what if a boat were to come along, this could look very bad. Then without notice he takes his cock out and slithers up her body, his penis is wet with her vaginal juices and his water/saliva mix, he wipes it along her cheek and into her mouth, again Yatish reaches for the water bottle he pulls his cock out of her mouth enough so he can squirt the water on it, then slides it back in, his fingers reach around rubbing the shaft , she licks his fingers then his cock and back and forth. Again Yatish slithers back down her body, poking her nipple with his knob along the way and back in her oh so wet pussy he goes, he thrusts back and forth with perfect rhythm her clit caressed with every push...

A gift from the future

Walking was something she forced herself to do, not because she hated to, quite the contrary, she just hated dragging herself away from the computer, from him. Once she hit the footpaths though, her mind could expand to all kinds of fantasy, she could indulge herself with images of her and Yatish together.  
She would imagine how her world would seem through his eyes and take herself back to Mumbai or Bombay as it was known then, sixteen years earlier when she was twenty four, a time when she could abuse her body without consequence and when a simple, lingering glance at a the opposite sex was enough to spark desire. She remembered driving from the airport in a taxi, there were too many cars for the road it seemed. Not like traffic jams she had been in on the motor ways in England, where one would sit in orderly lines and crawl forward at a snails pace, this was chaos. Were there any lines in the road designating lanes, she wondered? It didn't seem like it, it didn’t seem like there was any order at all, it felt like cattle stampeding forward, every man, bus, rickshaw, taxicab and bicyclist for himself. 
Sitting in the cab with Yatish though she felt safe, she felt like a queen and he her protector. He could sense her anxiety and while he could not physically embrace her he whispered in her ear “come hide under my wing”, she softly smiled at him and mouthed, thank you. 
Wow, her whole life she had wondered where her knight was, yuck, she thought, too sappy? “OK, I need to make him a little more real than this”, she thinks aloud. But hadn’t he really said that to her? Yes she remembered, while her husband yelling in the background to get off her ass and do something, she told him “I am having a fight with my husband”, “you need to go”? he asked, “No, I would prefer to pretend he wasn’t here at all” she said truthfully, “Then come hide under my wing, Jaan” 
She sighs, how did Yatish know just what to say or do? she asked herself. One moment he was slamming her against the wet tile in the shower sucking and biting intensely on her nipples, grabbing her wrists tightly and fucking her hard, the next he was cradling her in his arms and kissing the tears away from her eyes, “dunna you cry, our love deserves no tears” he would say.
Maybe he was a figment of her imagination, no really, she thought what if none of it was real? She knew that someone, somewhere was showering her with love over cyber space. But what if she had in a future life regressed back to her current one through hypnosis, and been so sad about her past lonely self that she had actually invented herself a lover, a clone of herself only the opposite sex or a hologram. Someone who would not interfere with her destiny, he would be a world away in India, how exotic, of course she would invent herself an Indian, his black hair and dark skin, playful yet mysterious, exotic and of course erotic. The word erotic makes her tingle, she wants to see him, to be with him right now. She stops in her tracks and leans her back on a nearby tree, closing her eyes she grabs her breasts. “Oh Yatish” she beseeches “where are you”?
She continues to figure out how she could have invented him, she had heard his voice he had just the day before sent her a recorded message, she was pleasantly surprised, his voice was deep and raspy, he sounded slightly nervous, that’s good, it’s not a game, she thought, his feelings for her like her own are true. So perhaps in the future it is possible to clone oneself while crafting the person you wish for. Handsome but not too good looking, would not want to date anyone prettier than oneself, check... OK, but what about personality? If he is a clone he is therefore the same, is it possible to adjust that? And how would her future self give him a past that he could speak of? And what a past yatish had had. She gasps yes not unlike her own.
Her head is beginning to ache, this was stuff even Einstein hadn’t yet figured out and she was no Einstein, would run the idea past Yatish when she returned home she thought, she considers him to be much smarter than herself, aha another flaw in the clone theory.  Betty picks up the pace, she has been gone sufficiently long enough, he must be missing her by now and will be convinced by her having a real life. Not to mention she was feeling extremely horny and the entire day her only thrill was grabbing her tits under an oak tree.
She arrives at the house not quite sprinting, not wanting to draw attention to the urgent need to go online and see her cyber lover, she opens up her chat window and her heart sinks he is away, no green light smiling at her to talk, not even an orange one telling her to come wake him, she sighs, then she notices her mail, he has sent her an e-mail. This she needs to savor, his e-mails are never as frequent as hers, but always beautifully written. She fixes herself a cup of coffee, kicks her hiking boots off, then sits and begins to read; 
Dear Betty Jaan, it has come to my notice that you have officially created a li'l bit of a storm inside my head. This has resulted in an inability to even think straight. If this continues, i'm afraid i'm going to have to abduct you and keep you as my personal muse and eat you in little pieces for the rest of my life. I pray that you take this complaint seriously and prepare yourself for an onslaught ofribbons. Your nipples will never be the same again and your knees willbecome perfect strangers to each other. Hope you are ready for theconsequences.
Betty is beside herself,  WOW, did he just write that to me? She thinks, spinning herself around like a teenager being asked out on a first date by her her high school crush, it takes every bit of restraint to not run out of the house skipping and screaming with joy, if she could she would share his letter with all the people dearest to her, then she thinks for a moment, he is magic, any man who can make her feel this way must be magic and this she did not need to share with a living soul, he must be kept for her and her alone. 
She starts to feverishly type a response to him; My Dearest Yatish Jaan, WHERE ARE YOU? I came back from my walk, I read your e-mail, Oh Yatish please come back to me soon, I miss you.

Houdini

“Are you leaving soon, darling?” She cringes at herself for asking, the idea he will vanish without forewarning causes a knot in her belly.  “I may do a Houdini on you sweetness but I will be back as soon as I can, don’t you go anywhere, besides I am not done ravaging you, I want to stick a fork in you and eat you up piece by piece, LOL” must be an Indian thing, she thinks, she can’t imagine any American asking if he could eat her in such a fashion, maybe he hasn’t seen silence of the lambs yet, she contemplates... “like osmosis” he continues. Hm, phew, much better... 

“With a glint in her eye her fingers hovering above the keys she mimes typing in anticipation, then with a fiendish smile she begins; “I wonder what you taste like? Lifts up Yatish’s shirt and touches the tip of Betty’s tongue on Yatish’s tummy... yummy” His stomach is flat, she finds his belly button and circles her tongue around it, in an almost perfect line down to the top of his jeans sitting comfortably on his hips, is a smattering of hair, she feels his muscles tighten as she makes him quiver from the teasing caress of her tongue, her breath sending cool whispers across the damp labyrinth she has left behind, salt- he tastes like salt! He grabs her hair, pulling her head back, he needs a moment to regain his strength, she looks up at him with seductive, yet adoring eyes. He is her master and pawn, her fantasy turned reality, her dark side and her angel. Her smile is cheeky, he can take no more teasing, with one hand firmly holding her hair, his other hand unzips his jeans, then without wasting any time lets go of Betty’s hair, he knows she will do exactly what he desires, they are one body and one mind, bending space and time to become whole. Like a flawlessly conducted symphony his gasps of breath, his deep voice gently moaning in perfect time and harmony with every thrust of her head and lick of her tongue. 

“CRAP” She reads the word on the screen with alarm and dismay, “What?” She asks “My boss just walked in, I gotta go, wait for me Jaan” scrambling to find her own piece of reality, she types back “I have to go walk the dog but I will look for you when I get back, miss me, I miss you already”  before she can even hit enter, Yatish has left their chat window, poof, gone. Should she climb into her own bed and continue to embrace her Indian lover, should she sit and stare longingly at the computer, maybe his boss is just stopping by for a quick visit, she could occupy her time surfing the net, checking out airfares to Mumbai, maybe she could walk the dog he looks sort of sad these days and sometimes even confused or disgusted she thinks when he has observed her climaxing.

She rereads their conversation and notices how long they were chatting, how is it possible that so much time had passed? The chat takes only a few minutes to read, seems fitting considering her time with Yatish felt so fleeting yet it had been hours since she first logged on still half asleep. 

A wave of sadness washes over her, remembering how empty her bed felt that morning and how much she wanted beside her,  she knew that waking up to him would feel like an extension of her dreams. Envisioning him pressed up behind her, their bodies in the shape of a Z, it takes little imagination for her to feel his penis inside her, she slumps back in her chair her eyes are closed, with three fingers she grabs her pussy, OMG she needs him inside her so bad, she can not wait for him a moment longer, she thinks she will scream, within a few short minutes she has come to an orgasm, her body shaking, she is flushed, sweating, she has removed one breast from her bra, her legs are spread open. Wow, too many windows in this room she thinks, she hadn’t considered that the computer room would be used for such a purpose when she designed the house, she laughs at the idea of of this being a lesson at a school of architecture “when designing a home for a sex starved forty year old woman, addicted to the internet and going through a mid-life crisis, keep in mind the proximity and visibility of the home office” she imagines a mature gray haired professor stating. 

Her screen is black, asleep, she moves the mouse over the pad to wake up the computer, nothing, he is still away and she has no idea if she will see him that day or not. Time to walk the dog, she sighs. 

Levitate me

It had been six months since he last showered her with any love. Indeed the last time she spoke to him at all, three months prior he was rude, accused her of groveling, in truth that's exactly what she was doing, but still her desire for him was so intense, her pussy ached pleading with her to beg him and she found her hand reaching down her pants to feel the moisture between her legs. If she wasn't so convulsed with pain and nauseous from the shame,  she may have actually been able to give herself an orgasm, how ironic her desire was the one thing that prevented her from relieving her frustration. The idea of fantasizing over him then or even just finding pleasure from that kind of stimulation caused her to sink yet deeper into the abyss of despair and torment. 

She tries to keep her head remembering six months earlier when she would stare hour after hour at the computer screen- where was he? When would he come and elevate her mind, body and soul? Still her thoughts romance her back to when like a genie he would appear “tadahh”  and her tummy would flip, this wasn’t a computer screen; this was magic and an escape from all the harsh realities of her life. 

From that moment there were no dishes, there were no bills, no kids and certainly no husband. For now there was only her Indian lover and he was going to make her dance, she was going fly higher than any bird, her dowdy robe and unbrushed hair was now naked wet skin,  sparkling beads of ocean water made her glisten in the sunlight, her hair dripping wet sending a stream of water trickling down her breasts, her nipples erect, his finger catches the stream running slowly up across the curve of her belly, then the palm of his hand slides across her wet breast , she tosses her head back and he pulls her close to him pressing his hard cock between her thighs. She knew he would never be so crass to fuck her in that moment, he wanted her to crave him, he knew she would beg him to soon, but she did want him to. She was weak, she was putty but she wore a frown caused by her longing. He pulls away from her, “dance for me” he demands of her. 

She feels her nipples against the keyboard she laughs at herself for a moment, she is at her desk and her imaginary Indian lover is in India, “my breasts grew an entire size I swear, is that possible?” She asks him "conjurer of big breasts”   You are the one turning a man on a million miles away, I am in so much trouble if my boss walks in.” She likes the power and the challenge, she needs to take him away from thoughts of bosses. “Where can I dance for you? “he’s typing she waits, she wants to touch her self but knows he wants her to be patient “Dance over me, dance around me, dance with me.” “can I straddle on you and feel you inside me, if  I promise to dance your penis in and out of me, PLEASE??????” she begs. 

“Come with me Jaan, I want to take you somewhere”  She loved it when he called her Jaan (sweetheart in Hindi) “where are you taking me darling”? He takes a length of red silk ribbon and wraps it around his hand, strokes her face, leaning in, he kisses her gently on the lips, then his tongue looks for hers, she leans back as he slams her against the wall her arms reach in the air as she surrenders to him. He takes her wrist and wraps the ribbon around and around and like a puppeteer he spins her, she giggles and again he pulls her into his cock this time her behind feels the stiffness of his penis as he bites her neck. She lets out a little cry and he unties her wrists, tenderly he kisses her neck, he blows gently in her ear and whispers in Hindi, she has no clue what he speaks, she does know that every breath and syllable makes her buckle and she fears she can take no more, she wants him with a passion she has never known before.